When I first started blogging, way back with this very first post (look at how sweet my little Garrett is!), I had no idea I would still be doing it five and a half years later.
Bighorn Mountain Mama was initially a way to share photos of the kids with our parents and family who live far from us, and also a way for me to navel gaze now and then: a true online journal (“blog” started as “web log,” I think).
Then, when I began to write about my depression, it changed. More and more people started looking at my blog, including some I didn’t even know. This was BIG. (It still feels big, actually!) I was so excited about my growing audience; I felt I had found my “niche.” I took a blogging course, from a woman I admire greatly.
And then I got confused.
It didn’t feel right to be sharing the small, intimate family stories and photos with people I didn’t really know. Plus, those posts felt boring to put out there – I felt like I needed to have a message. But after a while I didn’t feel inspired to write much about depression, because I was feeling better. On the dark days, I had something to share. But on the better days, I just wasn’t sure.
A friend once told me that my “schtick” (for lack of a better word) is where I live. Rural ranching mama. Only problem with that is I don’t have anything at all to do with the ranching part! We can go on some amazing walks and hikes in my backyard, but removed from that I could live in any suburban neighborhood in the US, if you looked at my daily routine. Minus the extra long time in the car, of course.
I was trying to find the angle, the thing I was supposed to share with readers, the benefit I could offer to people who stopped by my blog.
Honestly, I am still stumped.
I don’t have much wisdom to share because I feel like I am still in the trenches of learning. I just want to tell people to be gentle with themselves and each other, and there are only so many ways to say that.
I don’t have poetry to share because I am learning how to be a mama of three and not reading much poetry these days.
I don’t have projects to share because I can’t keep a routine of any sort right now.
My depression rears its ugly head at times, but most days I feel pretty settled and okay.
And then there is the fact that most of what is on my mind and heart lately feels too personal and controversial to share in this space.
- Food and my shame about my weight for most of my life
- How money has affected who I am and how I view life, going back to my childhood and continuing with our current situation
- Wanting to withdraw from consumer culture as much as possible – ridding our lives of stuff rather than adding more
- Looking ahead to the time when all of my babes are in school and trying to clear the brush from the path to see what I am meant to be doing then
- Religion, spirituality, the divine feminine, poverty, wealth distribution…you know, light topics that no one would argue about
I am waking up and moving through each day as intentionally as I can. Noticing things I would like to change, but not making huge life makeover plans or beating myself up too much about my missteps.
Honestly, I tried to make this space and my writing very serious things. Things that could end up as a business for me, as moneymakers. But it felt like shoving a square peg into a round hole; the timing wasn’t right, or I wasn’t right, or something wasn’t right.
I want to keep sharing here, but I also want to be honest with you: I have no idea what you’ll read if you subscribe or check in regularly. There is no plan in my head of what to share or how to share it, but I am always happy and so grateful to see you are here with me.