See this sweet little peanut?
She knocks her daddy and me off our feet daily…and not always in a good way.
Garrett, Jeff and I are pretty mellow, even-tempered folk. So you can imagine our surprise when Vivi came screaming (literally) into our lives. When she was a baby, she was upset a lot. Now, she’s still upset a lot, but she is also really funny. Charming, surprising…vivacious if you will.
A wise woman once told me, “We don’t love our children more or less. We love them differently.” A little more than three years after my daughter was born, I’m starting to understand what she meant. There are times when I am at peace with this difference and times when I struggle.
I wish so much I didn’t lose my temper with Viv, even when she yells, “NO, MAMA!” or “I don’t WANT that!” all day long. I wish it was easy for us to be together, that I wasn’t constantly readying myself for the next blow.
I’ve recently started participating in Susan Piver’s Open Heart Project. It’s pretty great if you want to start meditating but are intimidated by the practice. She sends two e-mails a week, each containing a short “lesson” on meditation along with a 10-minute guided practice.
10 minutes! Cake! (Well, not really, but it’s just 10 minutes!)
When I did her practice on strong emotions, part of the text struck me. Though she was talking about what to do when big emotions arise during meditation, for some reason it clicked in my heart with my relationship with my girl.
“Look, we’re just human beings here. The intention of our practice is not to help us transcend the human condition but rather to dive into it in order to live our lives fully, deeply, fiercely. When we embrace our aliveness, we can explore our creativity, be delighted and confounded by it, have our hearts broken by love and the loss of love and the return of love, fulfill our singular mission, and discover the truth of who we really are.”
When I get angry at myself for losing it with her, I am attempting to transcend. I’m going back to that old tendency to try to be perfect. Instead of seeing that few could make it until the afternoon under those conditions without blowing a gasket, I get upset with myself for not lasting till bedtime.
Yesterday, I grabbed some chocolate milk for the kids at the store. Garrett yelled, “Wahoo! Chocolate milk!” Viv asked what he’d said, and I smiled and told her, “I got chocolate milk for you. I think that makes me the BEST. MAMA. EVER.”
Her reply? “You are not the best mama ever.”
My response? “You know what, sweetie? You’re right. I don’t need to be the best mama.”
And really, I don’t. Because if I was the best, if I was perfect, how would she know what to do with her own imperfections? Every time I lose my temper, then take deep breaths, calm down and re-group, I am showing her what to do when she loses her little mind.
Heaven knows that’s a lesson she’s going to need 
I have a child just like her. I hate myself for losing it with him much more (maybe easier) than with his brother. You’re right, it is blow after blow and often I think how can I handle it easier the next time. My heart breaks because he is the one who has to struggle with the inner turmoil to get control of his world. But it is getting easier with lots of hugs during those times.
I think the key is continuing to forgive ourselves as we keep trying. If I can step into compassion for BOTH of us (instead of just for her), I feel much better once the wave passes. Sending wishes for ease your way!
Sounds like a “bring it on child”. We have to use different words with these children. To some children we can say come and sit down and eat your dinner To the bring it on child we have to say when you sit down you can have some dinner. They like to be in charge of their destiny. Not an expert but a parent of a bring it on child. We all have different personalities, some are born leaders etc. I can’t remember where I read about this but it made a huge difference could have been http://www.parentingideas.com.au/Parents/Happy_Families
Thank you for the link, Charmaine! There is a part of me that thought I’d know more about what I was doing with my 2nd child, since I was already a mother. My daughter quickly proved me wrong – there is always more to learn!
My “call her what you will” child is now a 21-year-old woman, but it is still so wonderful to read others’ experiences and accounts that are so similar to ours.
What sustains me some days is the comparison between my daughter and one of her cousins, who is now getting ready to have her first baby. Her parents always tell me they see so many similarities between the two, and their daughter grew into an incredible, strong woman! So I have hope that my job is not to CHANGE my girl, but rather to teach her how to handle her big emotions, so that she’ll be able to use them instead of suffer from them when she’s an adult.
I really love that phrase: Every time I lose my temper, then take deep breaths, calm down and re-group, I am showing her what to do when she loses her little mind.
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I think it’s such an important thing to teach/show them! Accept them as they are (or trying to) and show them ways to handle difficult situations while still being able to be who they are. And they still learn best by seeing it in practice (as often as possible
I thought I had to model perfection…I’m realizing I need to model gracefully handling my IMperfections